Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
