im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
