i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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