this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
