one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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