I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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