I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
