i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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