I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
