sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
