Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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