If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
