so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..