I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize