I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
