I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
