hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
