Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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