In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
