just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
