She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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