My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
