I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
