FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
