Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
