It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
