1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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