I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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