He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You ruined the universe
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
