True but thats because hes a fetus.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
