This is not my ceiling
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
