Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
