On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
