That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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