I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
