So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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