I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she smelled like a LAN party
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
