So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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