I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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