its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
