You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.