This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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