I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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