Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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