i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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