Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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