he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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