wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
