yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
