if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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