I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
