I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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