he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
