I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
