nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
