If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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