Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
