The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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