i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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