im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
